I'm really tired

I say it again
and again
But really
I'm tired

Too tired
To entertain you
To write for you
To read you

To get ready
Every morning
And do this thing
Called life
To see others
To talk

I'm just tired
Of this whole thing

But mostly

I'm tired
Of reaching out
And waiting for you

You

The one I don't know
If I will ever see

The one I try to see
In every one I see

The one I think I found
Only to realise
It was a false alarm
And so many times

I'm really tired

Maybe you don't exist
Quit playing with me

And let me rest
In an eternal silence

Let my heart
Muffle its beats

For I know for sure
I really tried
But I'm really tired...

When death reminds you to live...

Usually, the current is too strong. I get carried away without asking it where it is taking me. Every single day, I think I will pause, I will reclaim my life and yet, I don't. I can't. I'm just on some autopilot, going through a mindless existence. Just following a wake up, survive, go to sleep routine.

But one of these days, on an evening walk - I suddenly stopped. It hit me hard, that one day, I won't be walking here. I will really be gone forever. Never to come back and look at these trees, this sky, this path, breathe in this fresh air...  (also never to tweet!)

In fact I’ve perhaps already lived half of my life. Although nobody knows the exact day/date they'll leave this world behind, I've surely reached the general agreed upon "middle age" so to speak. But this post is not about mid-life crisis. I will save that for later.

Coming back to that moment, ever since then, I’ve been thinking about how short life is. No, I mean it really is short. All the past years that you have "lived" are just memories right now.  They are already over. Right now, they don't exist. So all your life - so far - is just a memory and its highlights can perhaps be remembered in a few minutes. 

And this is not even about "life is right now in this present moment thing." Which as any self-help guru will tell you - is a great thing in itself.

But this is just about stopping and pondering over the fact that "I will die one day." That one day - I simply will be gone. 

And all the drama will stop with that. 

Everything that keeps me up at night - will be gone too. There won't be any need for me to stress over work, family, responsibilities, regrets, guilts, fear...

However, much as I feel afraid of death, it also thrills me in a way. 

Isn't it thrilling that whatever life is left - is "actually still left?" I still get a chance to choose to spend it in the way I want (and make some more mistakes!). I still have the option to stop whatever I'm doing and do something else completely.

How easily we tend to forget that our time here is limited. 

Maybe, death can remind us to "live..." 

Nothingness...

Hush heart!

Do you hear the nothingness?
It's telling you stories
Of bygone times
Of a live lived fully
In both pleasure and pain


Hush mind!

Do you see the vacuum
Where nothing exists
Yet everything  does


Hush soul!

Don't you recognize
The one who knows you
Inside out


Hush girl!

Don't you see the woman
Who you have become
How everything changed
Yet nothing did


Hush Woman!

Don't you see the little girl
Who still exists
Deep within you
reveling in "nothingness"

This winter - Come home...

Do you feel it yet?
The nip in the air
The breeze turning chilly
The fragrance of winter

The time when you were  safe
When you were loved
When your world was cozy
As cozy as it was in your mother's womb

Do you sense it yet
All your wounds healing
Your search coming to an end
Like coming home after a tiring journey

Oh don't you see it yet
The scars are fading
There are silver lines where
You had gaping wounds
You are healing from within and without

Do you know now
That you had to run senselessly
Fall down and bruise yourself
Only to pick yourself up one last time

So let this winter embrace you
Let it hold your hand
And bring you home...

Destination...

Let's melt and flow away
Away from ourselves
Find a new world
Or create one today

Let's drift away
To another galaxy
Where you put stars in my hair
As I gaze at you lovingly

Let's walk away
From everything here
And find a new world
Inside each other's hearts

Let's drown then
Inside each other's darkness
And find that light
We'd failed to find yet

Let's write away
Our pain and sorrows
And erase them all
One loving rub at a time

Let's begin anew
Like a dawn that breaks
After a really long night
And we'll see the sun rise, just for us

For who knows how much time
We have left here to borrow
Who knows what life will
Throw at us tomorrow

So let's take that road less traveled
And change the journey of our lives
As I become your destination now
And you become mine...

Here I am...

You weren't supposed to leave I wasn't supposed to stay But there you are And here I am...

You were supposed to be more in love I was supposed to be the unsure one But there you are And here I am...

You were the one who started it I was the one who ended it Still, there you are And here I am...

You were in the dark I was to share my light Now you are shining And here I am...

You said you didn't want anything I said I had nothing left to give Yet you took away a lot And here I am...

You said we'll be together forever I asked if that was really possible You aren't there anymore to answer me So, here I am...

You said this happened to you For the very first time 

And I believed in someone For the very first time But now you moved on And here I am...

You were supposed to guide me For I was so confused Now I'm completely lost And I've lost you too I don't know where you are But here I am...

I'm not in love with you...

I'm not in love with you
Though I do love you a lot
Just not the way I did
When you had swept me
Off my young feet

I don't go weak in my knees
When I see you anymore
But I do feel protected
And at home, when you're around

I don't remember the last time
My heart beat faster at your sight
But I do remember
Feeling warm when I see you in the crowd

I don't think I wait for your touch
That used to awaken all my senses
But I can't deny
That there is something pious
About the way you do touch me

I haven't planned a surprise for you in a while
And you haven't bothered to give me a gift
But each day that passes by in your comapny
Gives me reasons to smile when alone

You are not the one
I feel like dressing up for
But I know you love me
Even when I am at my worst

So, no, I don't think I love you anymore
As I loved the thrill of a new relationship
But I think our love has just merged us both
Into the same being

After all, we don't usually love ourselves...