I'm really tired

I say it again
and again
But really
I'm tired

Too tired
To entertain you
To write for you
To read you

To get ready
Every morning
And do this thing
Called life
To see others
To talk

I'm just tired
Of this whole thing

But mostly

I'm tired
Of reaching out
And waiting for you

You

The one I don't know
If I will ever see

The one I try to see
In every one I see

The one I think I found
Only to realise
It was a false alarm
And so many times

I'm really tired

Maybe you don't exist
Quit playing with me

And let me rest
In an eternal silence

Let my heart
Muffle its beats

For I know for sure
I really tried
But I'm really tired...

When death reminds you to live...

Usually, the current is too strong. I get carried away without asking it where it is taking me. Every single day, I think I will pause, I will reclaim my life and yet, I don't. I can't. I'm just on some autopilot, going through a mindless existence. Just following a wake up, survive, go to sleep routine.

But one of these days, on an evening walk - I suddenly stopped. It hit me hard, that one day, I won't be walking here. I will really be gone forever. Never to come back and look at these trees, this sky, this path, breathe in this fresh air...  (also never to tweet!)

In fact I’ve perhaps already lived half of my life. Although nobody knows the exact day/date they'll leave this world behind, I've surely reached the general agreed upon "middle age" so to speak. But this post is not about mid-life crisis. I will save that for later.

Coming back to that moment, ever since then, I’ve been thinking about how short life is. No, I mean it really is short. All the past years that you have "lived" are just memories right now.  They are already over. Right now, they don't exist. So all your life - so far - is just a memory and its highlights can perhaps be remembered in a few minutes. 

And this is not even about "life is right now in this present moment thing." Which as any self-help guru will tell you - is a great thing in itself.

But this is just about stopping and pondering over the fact that "I will die one day." That one day - I simply will be gone. 

And all the drama will stop with that. 

Everything that keeps me up at night - will be gone too. There won't be any need for me to stress over work, family, responsibilities, regrets, guilts, fear...

However, much as I feel afraid of death, it also thrills me in a way. 

Isn't it thrilling that whatever life is left - is "actually still left?" I still get a chance to choose to spend it in the way I want (and make some more mistakes!). I still have the option to stop whatever I'm doing and do something else completely.

How easily we tend to forget that our time here is limited. 

Maybe, death can remind us to "live..." 

Nothingness...

Hush heart!

Do you hear the nothingness?
It's telling you stories
Of bygone times
Of a live lived fully
In both pleasure and pain


Hush mind!

Do you see the vacuum
Where nothing exists
Yet everything  does


Hush soul!

Don't you recognize
The one who knows you
Inside out


Hush girl!

Don't you see the woman
Who you have become
How everything changed
Yet nothing did


Hush Woman!

Don't you see the little girl
Who still exists
Deep within you
reveling in "nothingness"

This winter - Come home...

Do you feel it yet?
The nip in the air
The breeze turning chilly
The fragrance of winter

The time when you were  safe
When you were loved
When your world was cozy
As cozy as it was in your mother's womb

Do you sense it yet
All your wounds healing
Your search coming to an end
Like coming home after a tiring journey

Oh don't you see it yet
The scars are fading
There are silver lines where
You had gaping wounds
You are healing from within and without

Do you know now
That you had to run senselessly
Fall down and bruise yourself
Only to pick yourself up one last time

So let this winter embrace you
Let it hold your hand
And bring you home...

Destination...

Let's melt and flow away
Away from ourselves
Find a new world
Or create one today

Let's drift away
To another galaxy
Where you put stars in my hair
As I gaze at you lovingly

Let's walk away
From everything here
And find a new world
Inside each other's hearts

Let's drown then
Inside each other's darkness
And find that light
We'd failed to find yet

Let's write away
Our pain and sorrows
And erase them all
One loving rub at a time

Let's begin anew
Like a dawn that breaks
After a really long night
And we'll see the sun rise, just for us

For who knows how much time
We have left here to borrow
Who knows what life will
Throw at us tomorrow

So let's take that road less traveled
And change the journey of our lives
As I become your destination now
And you become mine...

Here I am...

You weren't supposed to leave I wasn't supposed to stay But there you are And here I am...

You were supposed to be more in love I was supposed to be the unsure one But there you are And here I am...

You were the one who started it I was the one who ended it Still, there you are And here I am...

You were in the dark I was to share my light Now you are shining And here I am...

You said you didn't want anything I said I had nothing left to give Yet you took away a lot And here I am...

You said we'll be together forever I asked if that was really possible You aren't there anymore to answer me So, here I am...

You said this happened to you For the very first time 

And I believed in someone For the very first time But now you moved on And here I am...

You were supposed to guide me For I was so confused Now I'm completely lost And I've lost you too I don't know where you are But here I am...

I'm not in love with you...

I'm not in love with you
Though I do love you a lot
Just not the way I did
When you had swept me
Off my young feet

I don't go weak in my knees
When I see you anymore
But I do feel protected
And at home, when you're around

I don't remember the last time
My heart beat faster at your sight
But I do remember
Feeling warm when I see you in the crowd

I don't think I wait for your touch
That used to awaken all my senses
But I can't deny
That there is something pious
About the way you do touch me

I haven't planned a surprise for you in a while
And you haven't bothered to give me a gift
But each day that passes by in your comapny
Gives me reasons to smile when alone

You are not the one
I feel like dressing up for
But I know you love me
Even when I am at my worst

So, no, I don't think I love you anymore
As I loved the thrill of a new relationship
But I think our love has just merged us both
Into the same being

After all, we don't usually love ourselves...

And this is how innocence dies

There is something within us that get nurtured by the warmth of sunshiny love, care of utmost tenderness, love in its rawest form. It starts out as a sapling, as tiny fluorescent green being that comes out to the world for the first time, being born out of true love (or so it believes). It smiles at the world, beams away at being so happy and lucky, without a care in the world and lives, truly lives.

So what happens when you tell the sapling to change, that you don't like it the way it is, that it is not good enough, that it will never be good enough in your eyes. How would it even cope up with the negativity that it wasn't even aware exists. It denies, it freezes, stunned at the harsh reality that is now becoming its truth.

And it revolts. Against everyone and everything that told it that it's not good enough. It fights back. Sometimes it wins, sometimes it loses. The fighting takes its toll. Nothing feels the same anymore. When you have to fight for the love that you took for granted, the care that you believed was yours, the unconditional support that no one had the right to take away, then something changes deep within.

You no longer take anything for granted. You no longer love whole-heartedly. You are scared of your own capability of loving so much that you will have nothing left if your loved one goes away or when your trust is broken by them. There is a new being in place of that fluorescent sapling who trusts no one, but itself.

This one is calculative. Never gives more that what it expects to receive. Never loves beyond a limit because there is too much at stake and the loss is always borne by the one who loves more. There is a coldness that sets in, deep within the being that is hard to rekindle. No amount of coaxing brings back the shine, the hope, the recklessness, the purity...

And this is how innocence dies.

(Disclaimer: This is a creative piece and not something that the author is going through in her real life)

Denial

I refuse to accept
That you were so shallow
I refuse to accept
That I was so naive

I will not believe
That you didn't feel a thing
I cannot believe
That you feel no ache

I don't agree
That you could leave so easily
I bet my life
That you suffer silently

I believe in the time
When we loved each other
I cherish that time
When each day, was a little brighter
Because we had each other

So, no
I don't believe it's over
I still believe in what we had
I still believe...

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of making sense of all these words thrown at me. I'm tired of the constant nagging caused by your silence. I'm tired of being all by myself, alone, a leftover of "us."

I'm tired of not knowing what's on your mind, what are you hiding from me, what do you tell others about me. What do you want, or want not from me.

I'm tired of waiting, for the day, when we will talk and smile and laugh about all the silliness we've been through. When did we stop being silly together anyway? Why did that have to happen?

I'm tired of not knowing what makes you happy anymore. What makes me happy anymore anyway? Do you ever think of that? Do you ever lie down in bed thinking "what makes her happy?"

I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort, to let you know I care. To make you feel valued, important. I'm tired of not knowing what you even think about my efforts.

I'm tired of waiting, for a sign to let me know what I mean to you. That never comes, and I just sit here and wait.

I'm tired of being scared that my whole world might come crashing down any moment. That all this is just a dream and sooner than later, I will have to wake up and face a harsh reality. There is no one to reflect against. I don't know where I'm headed.

I'm tired of waiting for someone to come along and be what I wanted you to be. To be what you were supposed to be.

I'm being pulled into the abyss that your absence has created. I'm looking at you, to save me from being swallowed by it, but you are too busy or you don't know or you don't care.

I'm tired and scared that I may not survive this. I'm more scared that I won't remain the same if I do survive this. I'm worried about what that will do, to "us."

I'm tired, of thinking, of waiting, of being...

Love, again?!

When you understand love, but don't want to fall in it again.

"Not wanting love" doesn't happen overnight, does it?

You have already been in love, perhaps too many times, too strongly, too weirdly, too unexpectedly. So when it hits you, you weren't prepared. And when it leaves, you can't bring yourself to fall again, can you?

You didn't know what was about to hit you. All you knew was that it felt great. So great that you had never felt that way before. You opened up, completely, unabashedly, totally and let love take over your entire being.

They entered your mind, heart, body and soul and you let them, opening more, crossing all your lines, never stopping. They seeped in, deep inside, so deep that even you were never aware of the places they touched and caressed within you.

You became the desert that craved their rain, the forest that needed their fire, the petals on which their loves tayed over like a dewdrop.

And you loved being loved. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. You, him/her and your love.

The whole world was just an aberration, a distraction from the love you had. At best, everything else was an accessory, to heighten your feelings and add to it.

So what happens when this love is taken away from you?

You fall. Hard.

The oxygen you've been breathing has been cut off. You've been thrown in an ocean but you had never learned to swim because you thought they'd never let you go/drown. But now what...

You manage. You struggle. You learn to swim in the indifference, in the love-lessness...

So now, you've learned all about love. But do you want to fall in love again?

I leave it up to you to decide that :)

She, He...

She, like a river, forever flowing, ever restless, ever growing, forever yearning

He, like a rock, steady, confident, ever observing, forever measuring, always there, for her

She, like a child, confused, unsure of herself, skeptical of the world, lonely

He, like a friend, a confidante, with arms as strong as she needed them to be

She, like satin, unspooling at his feet

He, with steady hands, unwrapping her gift


She, like the clouds, forever roaming, always on the lookout for something new

He, like the earth, stationed, with his eyes fixated at her 


She, the explorer, never content, forever rushing

He, the one who found the elixir of life, in her eyes


She, with an insatiable mind, always looking for ways to stimulate it

He, with a content heart, filled with his love, for her


She, with longing in her heart, for things unknown to her, drowning in the darkness

He, with love in his eyes and a tender touch of his hands, pulling her towards the light


She, moving away, from love, one word at a time

He, keeping her close, to his heart, quietly...




 

An Ode To My Muse

I wasn't prepared
I never could be
To handle the storm
That your calm eyes
Were about to start
In my heart

The first time I saw you
I went blank, numb
By your ethereal beauty
As if someone had crafted
Your beautiful face
Out of all the dreams
I had hidden away in my heart

You passed by
And I remembered
I needed to breathe
I couldn't move
For quite some time
While my heartbeats
Re-arranged themselves

I was reborn that day
By just looking at you
And I died multiple times
Whenever you sat close
Or looked at me

I waited everyday
With a bated breath
To see you
But pretended otherwise
The moment you arrived

I breathed in your fragrance
As if it were my oxygen
I soaked in your presence
As if it were my sunshine

I could never remember
All the words you said
All I could do
Was stare as your lips
That moved as if
They were the brushstrokes
That painted my soul
In colors unknown to me hitherto

Before I met you, love,
I was an epitome of calmness
But when you left
I had never been a bigger mess
And I'm still trapped waiting
In the moment you left

I made you mine in ways
I was never supposed to
And you remained a stranger
In the way you were meant to

You inspired my words
You instigated my silence
I wrote you, I read you
I loved you, I wept you...

I See You

I see you

What you try to hide
The ugliness of your being
The deceit, the lies
All these masks you wear

You desperation
To be loved
Without having to
Share the burden

Your loneliness
That kills your soul
Day by day
And all you can do
Is watch it decay

You blatant need
For a breath of fresh air
Your urgency
To have it all

The sameness of your life
Suffocating you
One routine task at a time

I see you, my mirror
For I am no different
I am you...

The Nostalgic 90's

Where do you even begin when it's the most beautiful part of your life (hopefully, if we are around the same age group ;)) But let me attempt!

A Poetic Take On The Nostalgic 90's

Of the first ride on the school bus
And sharing lunchbox with your friends
Of drinking Limca for the first time
And that first taste of maggi


Of watching Doordarshan
Huddled up with your family
Of Sunday morning Rangoli
Followed by the Jungle kid "Mowgli"

Of Ramayan and Mahabharat
And 70's movies on TV
Of Buniyaad and Nukkad
And the mandatory "DD News"

Of grooving to the songs of "Aashiqi"
And "Hum Aapke hain kaun"
Of going gaga over DDLJ
And falling in love with Shahruk/Kajol

Of playing real games
Not the ones on phones
Of not knowing how time passed
When you were with your friends

Of eating whatever mom made
And studying whatever Dad said
Of fights with siblings
And making up with hugs

Of saying "Namaste" to Uncles and Aunties
And playing with friends in the gully
Of going for the annual "picnic"
And attending the "New years eve" at the "Club"

Of Celebrating festivals
As a true community
Of actually visiting others' homes
And experiencing their hospitality

Of having your first crush
And writing their name
On the last page of your notebook
Then going for the ultimate relationship decider
which went by F-L-A-M-ES

Of the beautiful feeling
To move from childhood to teenage
When you were full of dreams
And nothing could stop you...

When Silence Speaks

They say, "silence is the food for the soul", and I agree. There's something about being still, covered in total silence, that helps us see ourselves more clearly.

In today's fast paced life, who really has the time for it? But then it's akin to saying that you don't have time to fuel up your car because you are too busy driving it. At some point, the car will stop and you will feel lost. It's the same with our "self.' It needs to be nourished and you need a regular maintenance system to keep it going.

Think of the best moments of your life. Chances are that you will remember the moment when you reflected on your happiness. When you savored what you really loved. That is the moment which you truly saved within your system.

In that sense, I believe that happiness is always lived in "retrospect." Sure, we experience a lot of happiness (or even sadness) in our day to day life, but the moment you think you are "happy or sad", that moment just passed!

And perhaps, that's why, it's important to reflect on what makes/made us happy/sad and this can only be done in silence.

In fact, I think silence is the biggest luxury these days! Think about it, when do you really have the time to be still and silent. From morning to night, you are surrounded by noise. And worse, we get addicted to sound/noise - be it music or any other sound.  Also, we meet so many people and greet them throughout the day, but do we meet and greet ourselves everyday?

Silence disturbs us, because when you are silent, you really come face to face with your soul. It asks questions, demands you to look within and try to find some answers.

So how about making silence a friend? How about we stop running from it and make a proactive effort to be silent for a few minutes everyday. To reflect, to savor the beautiful moments, to count our blessings and to meet ourselves!

The Void

We are born with it, but realize it much later in life. When we are done with the mundane, when our every need and want and desire is taken care of, or so we think, that's when one day it hits us. You can't deny its presence, it's too strong.

The void, the emptiness, the yearning for the unknown, unseen. It's difficult to define it, so I won't attempt to do that. I'll just write what I feel about it.

This void is present in the lyrics of the songs we love to death, the haunting tune/melody that we can't get out of our head, the craving to travel - to go to some place where you have probably been in another lifetime and you hope that somewhere you will find it.

It gets worse when it comes to people. Sometimes you think you found yourself in another person, when they mirror your every thought, every yearning and you know that at least your void has company now. Whether they can fill the void or not, is another matter.

But in the end, people are people. They are slaves of their own principles and desires and they will leave one day. The songs will numb your pain but won't make you feel alive anymore. The places you visit, lose their charm. Somehow, nothing in this world seems to match to what you are looking for.

So you are back to square one. The void stares at you. It doesn't kill you, but doesn't let you live either.

And you begin new journeys every day, to fill it...

Will you still be there...

The reality is harsh
Like the summer
And I'm parched
Won't you come
with your clouds
And drench my soul

And when the rain comes
Come away with me
To the land of green grass
And tiny white flowers

And if I fall hard
Won't you pick me up
And hold my hand forever

Who knows how far
you will come with me
Who knows how long
the rain will last for

So when the rain stops
Don't walk away
Stay with me lil longer
Like a rainbow

And when it's all over
The swooshing and the thunder
And the pretty rainbow fades away
Will you still be there?

To simpler times...

When the morning took its time to place dewdrops on each grass blade. When the children tumbled out of the bed with grins as big as their dreams and then soaked the dewdrops away under their naked feet.

When time was measured against the point where the sunshine reached on the wall. When the aangan hosted ladies full of laugh and gossip. When they oiled each others' hair and braided it pretty. When the meal was prepared with as much love as they had in their hearts.

When the day stretched lazily and merged with dusk as the cattle returned from their grazing and their bells jingled away. When the sublime priest washed and cleaned the small temple and the idol and children formed a queue to taste the prasad, being mesmerised by the fragrance that enveloped the temple.

When the night was signaled by lighting lamps and singing of the drunkards who returned from the town side.  When some of them got together around a campfire, with one dholak and hundreds of songs/nirguns/bhajans - kewadiya khol-a hey Ghanshyaam...

When the stars blanketed you as you went to sleep on the rooftop. The milky way, a lone aeroplane with its lights blinking away and the Eucalyptus trees swaying about, giving you the creeps, so you snuggled closer to your cousins, all sleeping in a line.

And you've lived! You've got more than you could have asked for. You may not have that much time or simplicity anymore, but you had it once and it cannot be taken away from your consciousness. And you know, you are blessed that way...

If you have to say goodbye

And if you have to say goodbye
Let it linger on your lips for a while
Don't go so abruptly
Leave some gentleness behind

For who knows which is the day
That doesn't get to meet the dusk
Who knows which is the night
That never gets to greet the dawn

So if you have to say goodbye
Let it take away some sorrow
Let it take away some pain

Say it with a smile
Say it with some loving words...