Here I am...

You weren't supposed to leave I wasn't supposed to stay But there you are And here I am...

You were supposed to be more in love I was supposed to be the unsure one But there you are And here I am...

You were the one who started it I was the one who ended it Still, there you are And here I am...

You were in the dark I was to share my light Now you are shining And here I am...

You said you didn't want anything I said I had nothing left to give Yet you took away a lot And here I am...

You said we'll be together forever I asked if that was really possible You aren't there anymore to answer me So, here I am...

You said this happened to you For the very first time 

And I believed in someone For the very first time But now you moved on And here I am...

You were supposed to guide me For I was so confused Now I'm completely lost And I've lost you too I don't know where you are But here I am...

I'm not in love with you...

I'm not in love with you
Though I do love you a lot
Just not the way I did
When you had swept me
Off my young feet

I don't go weak in my knees
When I see you anymore
But I do feel protected
And at home, when you're around

I don't remember the last time
My heart beat faster at your sight
But I do remember
Feeling warm when I see you in the crowd

I don't think I wait for your touch
That used to awaken all my senses
But I can't deny
That there is something pious
About the way you do touch me

I haven't planned a surprise for you in a while
And you haven't bothered to give me a gift
But each day that passes by in your comapny
Gives me reasons to smile when alone

You are not the one
I feel like dressing up for
But I know you love me
Even when I am at my worst

So, no, I don't think I love you anymore
As I loved the thrill of a new relationship
But I think our love has just merged us both
Into the same being

After all, we don't usually love ourselves...

And this is how innocence dies

There is something within us that get nurtured by the warmth of sunshiny love, care of utmost tenderness, love in its rawest form. It starts out as a sapling, as tiny fluorescent green being that comes out to the world for the first time, being born out of true love (or so it believes). It smiles at the world, beams away at being so happy and lucky, without a care in the world and lives, truly lives.

So what happens when you tell the sapling to change, that you don't like it the way it is, that it is not good enough, that it will never be good enough in your eyes. How would it even cope up with the negativity that it wasn't even aware exists. It denies, it freezes, stunned at the harsh reality that is now becoming its truth.

And it revolts. Against everyone and everything that told it that it's not good enough. It fights back. Sometimes it wins, sometimes it loses. The fighting takes its toll. Nothing feels the same anymore. When you have to fight for the love that you took for granted, the care that you believed was yours, the unconditional support that no one had the right to take away, then something changes deep within.

You no longer take anything for granted. You no longer love whole-heartedly. You are scared of your own capability of loving so much that you will have nothing left if your loved one goes away or when your trust is broken by them. There is a new being in place of that fluorescent sapling who trusts no one, but itself.

This one is calculative. Never gives more that what it expects to receive. Never loves beyond a limit because there is too much at stake and the loss is always borne by the one who loves more. There is a coldness that sets in, deep within the being that is hard to rekindle. No amount of coaxing brings back the shine, the hope, the recklessness, the purity...

And this is how innocence dies.

(Disclaimer: This is a creative piece and not something that the author is going through in her real life)

Denial

I refuse to accept
That you were so shallow
I refuse to accept
That I was so naive

I will not believe
That you didn't feel a thing
I cannot believe
That you feel no ache

I don't agree
That you could leave so easily
I bet my life
That you suffer silently

I believe in the time
When we loved each other
I cherish that time
When each day, was a little brighter
Because we had each other

So, no
I don't believe it's over
I still believe in what we had
I still believe...

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of making sense of all these words thrown at me. I'm tired of the constant nagging caused by your silence. I'm tired of being all by myself, alone, a leftover of "us."

I'm tired of not knowing what's on your mind, what are you hiding from me, what do you tell others about me. What do you want, or want not from me.

I'm tired of waiting, for the day, when we will talk and smile and laugh about all the silliness we've been through. When did we stop being silly together anyway? Why did that have to happen?

I'm tired of not knowing what makes you happy anymore. What makes me happy anymore anyway? Do you ever think of that? Do you ever lie down in bed thinking "what makes her happy?"

I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort, to let you know I care. To make you feel valued, important. I'm tired of not knowing what you even think about my efforts.

I'm tired of waiting, for a sign to let me know what I mean to you. That never comes, and I just sit here and wait.

I'm tired of being scared that my whole world might come crashing down any moment. That all this is just a dream and sooner than later, I will have to wake up and face a harsh reality. There is no one to reflect against. I don't know where I'm headed.

I'm tired of waiting for someone to come along and be what I wanted you to be. To be what you were supposed to be.

I'm being pulled into the abyss that your absence has created. I'm looking at you, to save me from being swallowed by it, but you are too busy or you don't know or you don't care.

I'm tired and scared that I may not survive this. I'm more scared that I won't remain the same if I do survive this. I'm worried about what that will do, to "us."

I'm tired, of thinking, of waiting, of being...

Love, again?!

When you understand love, but don't want to fall in it again.

"Not wanting love" doesn't happen overnight, does it?

You have already been in love, perhaps too many times, too strongly, too weirdly, too unexpectedly. So when it hits you, you weren't prepared. And when it leaves, you can't bring yourself to fall again, can you?

You didn't know what was about to hit you. All you knew was that it felt great. So great that you had never felt that way before. You opened up, completely, unabashedly, totally and let love take over your entire being.

They entered your mind, heart, body and soul and you let them, opening more, crossing all your lines, never stopping. They seeped in, deep inside, so deep that even you were never aware of the places they touched and caressed within you.

You became the desert that craved their rain, the forest that needed their fire, the petals on which their loves tayed over like a dewdrop.

And you loved being loved. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. You, him/her and your love.

The whole world was just an aberration, a distraction from the love you had. At best, everything else was an accessory, to heighten your feelings and add to it.

So what happens when this love is taken away from you?

You fall. Hard.

The oxygen you've been breathing has been cut off. You've been thrown in an ocean but you had never learned to swim because you thought they'd never let you go/drown. But now what...

You manage. You struggle. You learn to swim in the indifference, in the love-lessness...

So now, you've learned all about love. But do you want to fall in love again?

I leave it up to you to decide that :)

She, He...

She, like a river, forever flowing, ever restless, ever growing, forever yearning

He, like a rock, steady, confident, ever observing, forever measuring, always there, for her

She, like a child, confused, unsure of herself, skeptical of the world, lonely

He, like a friend, a confidante, with arms as strong as she needed them to be

She, like satin, unspooling at his feet

He, with steady hands, unwrapping her gift


She, like the clouds, forever roaming, always on the lookout for something new

He, like the earth, stationed, with his eyes fixated at her 


She, the explorer, never content, forever rushing

He, the one who found the elixir of life, in her eyes


She, with an insatiable mind, always looking for ways to stimulate it

He, with a content heart, filled with his love, for her


She, with longing in her heart, for things unknown to her, drowning in the darkness

He, with love in his eyes and a tender touch of his hands, pulling her towards the light


She, moving away, from love, one word at a time

He, keeping her close, to his heart, quietly...