Saturday, August 11, 2018

When death reminds you to live...

Usually, the current is too strong. I get carried away without asking it where it is taking me. Every single day, I think I will pause, I will reclaim my life and yet, I don't. I can't. I'm just on some autopilot, going through a mindless existence. Just following a wake up, survive, go to sleep routine.

But one of these days, on an evening walk - I suddenly stopped. It hit me hard, that one day, I won't be walking here. I will really be gone forever. Never to come back and look at these trees, this sky, this path, breathe in this fresh air...  (also never to tweet!)

In fact I’ve perhaps already lived half of my life. Although nobody knows the exact day/date they'll leave this world behind, I've surely reached the general agreed upon "middle age" so to speak. But this post is not about mid-life crisis. I will save that for later.

Coming back to that moment, ever since then, I’ve been thinking about how short life is. No, I mean it really is short. All the past years that you have "lived" are just memories right now.  They are already over. Right now, they don't exist. So all your life - so far - is just a memory and its highlights can perhaps be remembered in a few minutes. 

And this is not even about "life is right now in this present moment thing." Which as any self-help guru will tell you - is a great thing in itself.

But this is just about stopping and pondering over the fact that "I will die one day." That one day - I simply will be gone. 

And all the drama will stop with that. 

Everything that keeps me up at night - will be gone too. There won't be any need for me to stress over work, family, responsibilities, regrets, guilts, fear...

However, much as I feel afraid of death, it also thrills me in a way. 

Isn't it thrilling that whatever life is left - is "actually still left?" I still get a chance to choose to spend it in the way I want (and make some more mistakes!). I still have the option to stop whatever I'm doing and do something else completely.

How easily we tend to forget that our time here is limited. 

Maybe, death can remind us to "live..." 

Thursday, October 29, 2015


Hush heart!

Do you hear the nothingness?
It's telling you stories
Of bygone times
Of a live lived fully
In both pleasure and pain

Hush mind!

Do you see the vacuum
Where nothing exists
Yet everything  does

Hush soul!

Don't you recognize
The one who knows you
Inside out

Hush girl!

Don't you see the woman
Who you have become
How everything changed
Yet nothing did

Hush Woman!

Don't you see the little girl
Who still exists
Deep within you
reveling in "nothingness"

Monday, October 5, 2015

This winter - Come home...

Do you feel it yet?
The nip in the air
The breeze turning chilly
The fragrance of winter

The time when you were  safe
When you were loved
When your world was cozy
As cozy as it was in your mother's womb

Do you sense it yet
All your wounds healing
Your search coming to an end
Like coming home after a tiring journey

Oh don't you see it yet
The scars are fading
There are silver lines where
You had gaping wounds
You are healing from within and without

Do you know now
That you had to run senselessly
Fall down and bruise yourself
Only to pick yourself up one last time

So let this winter embrace you
Let it hold your hand
And bring you home...

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


Let's melt and flow away
Away from ourselves
Find a new world
Or create one today

Let's drift away
To another galaxy
Where you put stars in my hair
As I gaze at you lovingly

Let's walk away
From everything here
And find a new world
Inside each other's hearts

Let's drown then
Inside each other's darkness
And find that light
We'd failed to find yet

Let's write away
Our pain and sorrows
And erase them all
One loving rub at a time

Let's begin anew
Like a dawn that breaks
After a really long night
And we'll see the sun rise, just for us

For who knows how much time
We have left here to borrow
Who knows what life will
Throw at us tomorrow

So let's take that road less traveled
And change the journey of our lives
As I become your destination now
And you become mine...

Monday, August 31, 2015

Here I am...

You weren't supposed to leave I wasn't supposed to stay But there you are And here I am...

You were supposed to be more in love I was supposed to be the unsure one But there you are And here I am...

You were the one who started it I was the one who ended it Still, there you are And here I am...

You were in the dark I was to share my light Now you are shining And here I am...

You said you didn't want anything I said I had nothing left to give Yet you took away a lot And here I am...

You said we'll be together forever I asked if that was really possible You aren't there anymore to answer me So, here I am...

You said this happened to you For the very first time 
And I believed in someone For the very first time But now you moved on And here I am...

You were supposed to guide me For I was so confused Now I'm completely lost And I've lost you too I don't know where you are But here I am...

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I'm not in love with you...

I'm not in love with you
Though I do love you a lot
Just not the way I did
When you had swept me
Off my young feet

I don't go weak in my knees
When I see you anymore
But I do feel protected
And at home, when you're around

I don't remember the last time
My heart beat faster at your sight
But I do remember
Feeling warm when I see you in the crowd

I don't think I wait for your touch
That used to awaken all my senses
But I can't deny
That there is something pious
About the way you do touch me

I haven't planned a surprise for you in a while
And you haven't bothered to give me a gift
But each day that passes by in your comapny
Gives me reasons to smile when alone

You are not the one
I feel like dressing up for
But I know you love me
Even when I am at my worst

So, no, I don't think I love you anymore
As I loved the thrill of a new relationship
But I think our love has just merged us both
Into the same being

After all, we don't usually love ourselves...

Saturday, July 25, 2015

And this is how innocence dies

There is something within us that get nurtured by the warmth of sunshiny love, care of utmost tenderness, love in its rawest form. It starts out as a sapling, as tiny fluorescent green being that comes out to the world for the first time, being born out of true love (or so it believes). It smiles at the world, beams away at being so happy and lucky, without a care in the world and lives, truly lives.

So what happens when you tell the sapling to change, that you don't like it the way it is, that it is not good enough, that it will never be good enough in your eyes. How would it even cope up with the negativity that it wasn't even aware exists. It denies, it freezes, stunned at the harsh reality that is now becoming its truth.

And it revolts. Against everyone and everything that told it that it's not good enough. It fights back. Sometimes it wins, sometimes it loses. The fighting takes its toll. Nothing feels the same anymore. When you have to fight for the love that you took for granted, the care that you believed was yours, the unconditional support that no one had the right to take away, then something changes deep within.

You no longer take anything for granted. You no longer love whole-heartedly. You are scared of your own capability of loving so much that you will have nothing left if your loved one goes away or when your trust is broken by them. There is a new being in place of that fluorescent sapling who trusts no one, but itself.

This one is calculative. Never gives more that what it expects to receive. Never loves beyond a limit because there is too much at stake and the loss is always borne by the one who loves more. There is a coldness that sets in, deep within the being that is hard to rekindle. No amount of coaxing brings back the shine, the hope, the recklessness, the purity...

And this is how innocence dies.

(Disclaimer: This is a creative piece and not something that the author is going through in her real life)